A losing game.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. I have seriously been on the losing end of the losing (weight) game probably since I was 8 years old. It is a hard thing to look around at all the other little children around you and realize that you are perpetually 20 to 30 pounds heavier than they are. that has not changed. Perhaps there was a slight reprieve in undergrad when I was close to a normal weight. but grad school has taken care of that my 30 pound gap still holds, I will be glad when it doesnt hold anymore. maybe someday I will be in the 140s. We will see. I am done with one masters now. Maybe when I finish the other one, hopefully in the fall, I will be able to achieve my goal. We will see.

Is it Easter already?

This year has felt a little like the description of one in Monty Python and the Holy Grail: "and winter gave spring a miss, and headed right on into summer" it is an exaggeration since it is still chilly outside, but come on, people its almost Easter! What happened to last year? What happened to this year come to that? My semester only has a month and a half left and I am freaking out. Dude.

Weight a second.

Ok I am not usually a punning kind of person. That is usually what I equate with like 50 year old men who don't really have a sense of humour but think that they do. If there are any 50 year old men that pun reading this blog, I sincerely apologize. (Would it help if I said, "Its not you its me?"). Definitely me no doubt. since I started this blog, I have gained and lost about 10-15 pounds at least three times in succession. Each time I get on the losing end of that, I get really excited, and think: this time I will do it. This time I will realize my goal. But no. not only have I not realized my goal, but I am back at my original weight back in the dark days of 06 and I really have no idea how it happened.

Today I am trying to get back on my horse. I have started the day with fruit (Blackberries to be exact) and now yogurt. The more I talk about food, the more I want it. I go to it for solace in times of stress and discomfort. I am not sure why.

P.S. I like to take up close gratuitous photos of foods. It makes me feel all artsy inside.

stop the Insanity!

I couldn't find the image that I wanted for this blog. i feel like life has been insane lately. with work and school and Jeremy and i both have had craziness in our lives. Needless to say, for me good eating habits have yet again fallen by the wayside. Unfortunately for me, it is very cyclical. I will start eating well, and even try to lose again. I wish I could find a pic of the stop the insanity lady from the late eighties and early nineties. You know the one that looked like sinead o conner only was a weightloss guru. I sometimes feel that way. Like I just want to scream stop the insanity. But i dont stop. Pizza comes my way or chocolate, or a frappucino and I just cant stop.

In with the new.

The new year is upon me, and i have decided to make a fresh start. Holiday eating was time-consuming and resulted in the all-encompassing extra ten pounds of holiday weight that I had so painstakingly lost earlier in the year. Blast. So i have begun a-fresh. The incessant baking was fun while it lasted however, it left me craving cake at the oddest times e.g. one oclock in the morning, when it is seriously too late to bake a cake anyway. Something good did happen though with all the holiday baked goods. I realized something that I had forgotten. Why I am an excellent baker. To be sure, I concocted many a culinary delight including (but not limited to): a duchess spice cake (for my love for christmas, which he tells me was very good), two batches of homemade fudge, 3 kinds of cookies, rice krispie treats (well lets face it, these arent hard to make), and angel biscuits. So I have some left over ingredients with which I plan to make a homemade cheese cake and some banana bread tonight and on new years eve, but other than that I plan to put a stall on my baking at least for a while. Maybe I will make a special treat for myself and my love on valentines. It is amazing though how much weight you lose, however, when you stop eating cookies. I have lost about 2 pounds so far when I started watching my intake again. Right after Christmas I went out and bought some fruits and vegetables and salad fixings and I have been doing my best to partake of them everyday since Christmas. My roommate also baked us some delicious baked potatoes the other night, I have to do that soon as eating the skins are good for my cholesterol and that is just what I did. I am going to do my best to forget what has gone before, and forge ahead with what lies in front and begin my weight loss exhibition once again. I am glad that I am trying before the new year however, to begin with good habits that way I will feel like they are not as foreign to me to continue in the coming year. I really want to reach my goal this year. With my cholesterol problems and my age on the rise, it is more important than ever now for more reasons than just vanity that I get into that smaller size. I am hoping then to use this blog more than I have in the past as a means of holding myself accountable and actually reaching my goal. I have it in my head. I am in the 180s again with the onslaught of Christmas. But i would like to be in he 140s or 150s at the very least. If I could reach the 120s that would be amazing and I could model, for reals. That would be my ultimate goal if I could but I know that once I get to the 150s I am a healthy weight for my height and body type. I can pull off the 60s but the 50s are best. So really 30 pounds in the coming year would be great! People do it all the time. Especially on the biggest loser! I can too! I have to!

Christmastime is here....

You know the rest. But what they dont tell you in that song is, temptation to eat is here. I know I was complaining, probably alot. But the truth is I had kept off maybe on the whole about 10 pounds for almost a year. actually a bit more than that from the time i was at my heaviest. However, with christmas upon us, and goodies available freakin every where, not so. I am almost back to where I was damn it. I dont know how my boyfriend does it. He usually loses weight this time of year. I tend to subconsciously hibernate for the winter. The older I get the more I hate the cold. I guess the more I eat to compensate for this and then in turn the less my coat actually fits me well enough to keep the cold out. I keep telling myself if I can just get this paper done that is finally due in two days I will start working out again and focus more energy on eating. And to I will have more time for my boyfriend and friends (especially those of you I havent really seen all semester). The failing the comps hasnt actually given me insentive to lose, it just makes me want more food to wallow in. Alas. My ass. Oh well no time like the present. maybe next time you hear from me I will have good news. Until then, keep up the fight, try not to let Christmas depress you too much, and dont take any wooden nickels...or in the words of the immortal Edward R. Murrow,"Good night, and good luck."

Yes, Jillian.

I have picked up my Jillian Michaels book again and have started reading. I really want to make progress and she seems like perhaps the lady that can help me do it. I have done two days of her work out dvd called 30 day shred. She and Bob Harper (whom I also greatly admire) are both trainers on the show The Biggest Loser.




Well I was doing alright with this, 3 days in a row for her DVD but then yesterday I was stressing out over a paper that was due, and my muscles felt so sore that I watched Hamlet (that is what the paper is on) instead. So on Thursday I took a break from the DVD. But Friday I went right back to it. She is right that some of the moves in the workout get easier the more you do them, however, I still find myself doing the pushups on my knees and not my toes and my knees feel awful when doing certain exercises. But if I dont pass out after, then I do feel strong when I do the exercises.

I have been trying to read more of the book which is hard with school things to do, and with the first few chapters being focused on change from the inside out, they tend to be ones that you can only take a little at a time anyway, if you really are trying to absorb what she is saying.

I would recommend Jillian to anyone, she is tough, but she has helped alot of people lose a lot of weight. Maybe she will help me.